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Saturday, August 10th, 2002

Time Event
12:56a
In-effing-somnia
It's almost 1am. My alarm goes off in four hours. I'm trying to sleep, but it's not happening.

I don't dare take a sleeping pill because it'll last longer than my sleep time.

I am run down from this sinus infection. It has been dragging me down physically and emotionally.

Later today Warren and I are supposed to go to a wedding reception. He's sicker than I am, so it might be just one of us going (sigh).

I have been disgusted with myself, too. I look in the mirror and see too much fat, but until I get well I really can't do a thing about it. Exercise is the answer, but I first need to get healthy, and I'm not there yet. It's hard to think about exercise when you're still woozy and hocking loogies.

I have been watching friends creating new songs, but for me they're not happening. I see all these beautiful, sensitive pieces with lots of really cool imagery, and I can't get anything to gel. I spent part of last night working on a song idea I've had for several years, and it wouldn't come together.

I look around me, and deep down I keep hearing the internal "You suck" voice. It's the one I used to get all the time when I was growing up. My father, the teachers and kids at school, and even in what little extracurricular activities I got to do. At best I got, "You aren't important anyway." Dad even called me a failure on a couple of occasions.

When I got into "Who's Who Among American High School Students" I was told it was "a false honor." When I was in my junior year of college my father browbeat me. "What are you going to do when you don't get a job?" Dad used to tell me I didn't "deserve" the friends I had. My ex-husband used to tell me the same thing -- except when he was telling me the folks I thought were my friends weren't really my friends. Time has proven them largely wrong, but deep down a tiny part of me still thinks there must be some truth to what they had to say.

I've been denied roles in productions because I was "too ugly." Hey, those aren't my words; they're the words of former teachers of mine. I've been told to "just hide your facial scars with make-up" by a plastic surgeon. Why should I be so ugly I must hide behind make-up? I thought make-up was supposed to accentuate what I have.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. I want to practice music, but I have no energy because I'm sick. I want to rest, but I can't because I have to work so I can pay for the roof over my head (yes, my money is that tight). I want to start recording, but my voice hasn't recovered from the sinus infection; heck, I haven't recovered from it! I vacillate between chills and sweating (I'm doing the latter right now), and between blowing my nose and hocking loogies (I'm between the two states right now and have a nasty post-nasal drip).

I want to sew; I soooo wanted to make Warren and me matching Hawaiian shirts for the wedding today, but I'm not up to it, and he's looking like he won't be up to going (and for once he really wants to go). The couple is friends with both of us (the invitation read "Lynn and Warren," not "Lynn + 1"). Given the nature of the beastie, it wouldn't be proper to substitute a friend the way he's suggested I do (nobody can replace Warren -- period). Instead, I am barely up to wrapping the gifts for the wedding.

I have no idea what I'll sound like when I hit the airwaves in a few hours. I suspect I'll sound pretty nasal. I plan on having lots of coffee with me so I'll have a snowball's chance of sounding "minty fresh and sick" instead of just "sick."

None of this is helping my self-esteem, as in what self-esteem. I know I need to improve it, but how? It's not like I can go to KMart and buy it off the shelf. It doesn't grow on trees, and it sure as hell wasn't nurtured when I was growing up.

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