October 4th, 2002


I'm trying not to crack

There are people who are worse off than me, but I'm starting to "lose it" in real time. I'm not sure whether it's that I haven't had a day off in months, the pressures of a day job where they want me to meet impossible deadlines, the demands of home ownership, debts that won't go away fast enough, or the dog throwing up in the middle of the night after a week of goey, stinky poopies, but I'm ready to scream.

I don't really want to scream; that'd hose my voice. I feel like I've got no time for me. I soooo would like to just pack up the car and go somewhere for a couple of weeks, but I can't afford to do that. I need income. I am spending all my time earning money to pay bills, fighting another damned sinus infection, and every day I see my dreams slipping further away.

Wednesday night I learned of an open mike. I wanted to go this past evening, but I was in no shape to do so. Between the sinus infection, my workload, and the sick puppy, there was no way I was going to get away. Warren's judgement is getting worse, too; he up-ended some leftovers, causing them to ooze onto the refrigerator shelf.

Not working is getting to him, but he's having more of his semi-seizures. He now feels pain in his head, but it's not what he'd call a "headache." Yesterday I saw him have one (he usually tries to hide them); his face got all waxy like a dead person's. It was frightening.

I need strength. I need my health back. I need a break.
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