Lynn Gold (figmo) wrote,
Lynn Gold

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net.fogeys Just Wanna Have Fun

filkerdave wrote about "losing [one's] sense of fun" in his recent LJ entry and it hit home. I haven't felt "fun" in a long time.

It's been ages since I've written a complete song. I've written a few parodies, but nothing original has sprung forth.

Consonance is in a month and a half and right now I'm not looking forward to it. It's not the concom; they're great. It's not the guests; they're great, too. It's me. I don't know whether it's because I'm in horrific agony because of the combined pains of a monster sinus headache and heavy-duty abdominal cramps, or whether going through losing Fuzzball took "me" away from me, but I don't like this state.

My co-workers could see I was suffering today and were all telling me to "go home, dammit!" Unfortunately, I'm paid by the hour. I could get the work done in fewer than 40 hours if I didn't hurt so much, but I need the money. Maybe it's the whole fannish politics thing that has me fed up. I keep wanting to sell myself as a performer instead of a con organizer, but I keep getting roped into con-running. Heck, I'll probably be chairing next year's Consonance whether I like it or not (and people think chairing a con is a power trip -- HA!).

All I want to do right now is medicate myself to within an inch of my life, get into bed, and sleep until I don't hurt any more.

Meanwhile, my PowerBook is going to be getting shipped back to Apple. They've determined what I already knew -- the logic board needs to be replaced. I'd rather have Apple do it than the 3rd party company my warranty company wants to have do it because I'll get my computer back faster. As it is, I suspect the 3rd party company would have to send it back to Apple anyway or wait for Apple to ship them the part.

My office ant problem hhas lessened, but they're still there. An ant jumped into my keyboard and went inside it as I was typing that last paragraph. Eeeuw....

Last night Warren decided to clean out my refrigerator. At 12:30am he got me out of bed to put everything back in. AIEEEEE!!! I was in tears from the pain from my sinuses and abdomen, and he kept thinking it was he who was causing me to cry!

Going to cons hasn't perked me up much. Loscon was fun, but other than that I haven't been enjoying the cons I've been attending. I felt lousy at ConChord because I'd learned some folks who I thought were my friends were not and had lied about my ability to run a filk track to someone who didn't know squat about me, saying someone else who had far fewer years of experience was far more qualified. That hurt. It'd be one thing to say, "Lynn is way more experienced, but we like working with this other person better," but that's not the way it was voiced to me, so I was ashamed to show my face for the whole con.

Outside of Loscon, I haven't felt like I "belonged" at a con in a long time. The last time I felt like I "belonged" there was very brief moment after my concert at BayCon two years ago. It was the first time in years I'd been given a concert, and the room was packed. ConterPoint was a great con, but I was so worried about being a good Interfilk guest I couldn't really relax. I'd also come off of a week of "family maintenance," which is great for catching up on sleep but does little for my psyche.

This year's Worldcon was in my old stomping grounds. Whenever my brother is in some barfy local community theatre production my relatives all go to see him, so I was expecting the same treatment. Instead, I didn't see anyone from my family or from my childhood at MilPhil, much to my surprise. In the case of family, it kind of hurt. Mom was recently raving on and on about how my brother "has the lead in the local production of `My Fair Lady'" and how "he's so talented" and "he has such a wonderful voice." BARF.

Actually, my first thought was "He's `Liza Doolittle?'" My second thought was, "What does having a good voice have to do with it? Didn't Rex Harrison talk his way through that part?"

Oh well. I'm out of it. Big Time. Right now I'm just trying to make it not show when I'm in public.

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